Sometimes I feel like I am fighting the inevitable and chasing the unobtainable.
Where to begin.
Maybe how I am trying to ignore the tiny voice in my head that is becoming more and more tangible every second. Instead I try to focus on the pain. The tiny spot on my elbow that needs stretching, the incredible strain in my neck from long hours awake, the paper-cut on my index finger.. the ache in my heart. I just try to block it out or sleep. I just woke up. I feel dense and weighted down, like I am trying to balance the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It is dark now- but I can see the stars.
It was a deep sleep. A strange deep deep sleep. Like I had fallen into a pool of black velvet that enveloped me, but it was comforting, like someone had wrapped their arms around me, and was just holding me, sitting there for hours, not wanting to be anywhere else but at my side, holding me, and whispering, "it's going to be ok" over and over. I was warm.
I didn't move once, I woke up in the exact same position I had fallen asleep in.
It's 8 pm now, I fell asleep at 4. No one is here now, no one was here when I fell asleep.
I woke up twice when I was sleeping. Not from the noise of my neighbors chatting through the walls, or sound of laughter from down the hallway, the giggles and whispers of my roommate coming and going, or the steady flicker of light in our bedroom. No. It was my heart. It was beating so fast it felt like it had dislodged its self from my body and was only hanging on by a string. If it kept going at this pace it would probably fly off and leave my body. Then I would be left without a heart, without a soul. Unable to love, to feel pain, to experience joy.. and that would be a sad day indeed.
I tried to slow down my breathing, and calm myself down. Then I fell back into the deep blackness.
All I could think about was one thing. One person.
I just want to know someone who wants me. Who wants to spend every second by my side. Who will talk for hours or just be willing to sit there in silence. Someone who wants to just hold me close and whisper "i love u." Someone who will want to go on walks or adventures or do anything just to spend time with me. I want someone who will care deeply about me- not just my needs but about me, my self, my heart. I want someone who will run into a burning building to save me, who will step in front of a gun, or dive into icy waters, someone who will run and run saying, "but she is mine, i have to save her!"
Up until a few seconds ago, I had a very clear idea of who this person was. In fact, I could tell you the year he was born, the high school he graduated from, his favorite bands, his major, what his hobbies are, and what he did last summer. I could also tell you the wedding I have planned and the day we are getting married.
But he doesn't know me. We have never met.
Today was such a beautiful day. I wish you could have seen it. There is no way that I could possibly hope to describe its profound beauty, because to do so would be to under-sell it. To reveal only a small corner of boxed in perspective, when it is something truely greater then I could ever hope to capture. On any given day the sky here occupies 2/3 of the view. And today this 2/3 was blue; bright, vibrant, stark blue. The sun was shining and not a cloud could be seen in the sky. I rose early, and there is something about those early morning hours that has a special power, a kind of peace that transends on all who are up to experience it. The ground was moist, and the pavement slick. The sun reflected off the blacktop and penetrated all the shadows. It is Feburary, but it was not too cold. There was a breeze. It was just cold enough to remind you that you are alive, it was invigorating and astounding. Today my heart was filled with joy. THe only thing I could think of was that it was too perfect of a day to experience alone. I wished there was someone by my side who would just walk with me, someone who would just sit in grass and stare at the incredible beauty surrounding us.
Somewhere between the thick dark folds of velvet, my aching heart, the tinge in my elbow, and paragraph four, I realized there was somebody, there is somebody.
The other day my dad told me something true, and profound in a way, because I didn't want to hear it. He said, "You know, Jesus wants to be your friend, Jesus needs to be your best friend."
I put too much faith in humanity. I am always relying on people and setting my standards too high. But people always fail. They always fall short. But Jesus doesn't.
And he loves us. He loves me, so so very much. This is something that is so hard to grasp. It is too big, He is too great. But He is the one I need, He is the one I will always need. He wants to spend every second by my side, He wants to walk with me, and talk with me, and hold me close. He wants to whisper "i love you." He loves me so much, He is the one who cares deeply about me. He cares about my aching heart.
I wanted someone who would run into a burning building to save my life, someone who would give it all to save me. But Jesus has already done this. He loves me so, he was willing to die for me, to save my life. And he already has. On that cross he was shouting, "but she is mine, i have to save her!"
Love is a beautiful thing. Sometimes it feels so tangible. To be loved is to be joyful, and today there was nothing that could stop me from seeing the love of God and the beauty of His creation. I was filled with so much joy, that I could feel it seeping out.
The tiny voice in my head that I was trying to ignore was saying, "stop running.. Stop hiding, stop trying to put your faith in humanity, and let Jesus be your best friend! He loves you so much."
I know.
Jesus, thank you so much for this incredible joy you have given me. Thank you that you love me more then I could ever know. Thank you for taking care of me every day, and that in the ultimate act of love you gave it all to save my life. Please be my best friend. Teach me to follow you every day, to walk by your side, to seek your face. Please help me love, like you have loved me. Teach me to be like you. Teach me to be your friend. I love you. Language is too limited to describe you or capture your love. Thank you for life.
