One life among many

What...
I don't know what i am trying to say. What has our world become? What are we doing?
I am not really being pessimistic, I am just over blogging, and facebook. Someday I will delete mine. Someday.
Maybe just not yet.
Blogs are good, but I think the internet is not.
I am still writing, just not blog style. More like a lengthy-word document style. So for all four of you who occasionally read this blog, maybe you will be able to read my thoughts and see my soul again when it is published.
But for now, remember there are greater things to come than in this life-time, and maybe someday I will blog again; maybe someday we will all move on to greater things than social networks and television dramas..
and start investing our lives in things that matter. Like Jesus and people; relationships, discipleship, loving, serving, saving, protecting, lifting up, and remembering; remembering our hearts, where we have been and where we are going.
That is, and continues to be, my heart my friends.
I love you all very much.
Shalom

Tomorrow Awaits

The story of a tiny time machine
A small girl huddled in a corner
Of dandelion seeds…
Small. Fragile.
Important, but easily lost.
Broken. Swiftly blown away.
A memory forgotten.
My eyes droop
My heartaches
It yearns for the friend I know will not be returning.

Tomorrow it will all change.

Amidst murmur and tension.
A buzzing and humming beehive.
Highheels and perfectly curled hair.
Smiles. Nervous laughs.
Fates are decided.
Futures unveiled.
Destinies written.
New ties will be drawn. New alliances will be made.
Lives will begin to change, to unfold, to transform and infect.
A warrior is being prepared for battle.
The suit has been fitted.
The weapons are being sharpened.
It is the eve of battle.
Anticipation hangs in the air.
Souls ache. Nerves. Fear.
Body groans for answers, for time.
Mind spins.
Heart beat increases.

Breathe.
Breathe.

Things will never be the same again.

She will have a new family.
My heart bursts with emotions I do not know.
I feel some creature clawing
at my insides
trying to escape in rage.
But I am not angry.

Maybe sad.

I do not know.

I miss my friend.
My dear dear friend.
A sister.
But our ties are deeper than humanity.

A dandelion. A warrior.
It is
Change, transformation.

A flower wilting.

But it is not that at all.
A wilting flower is something beautiful no longer becoming so.
It is age. Mourning. Death.
No matter how I try and label it as such,
this is not what it is at all.

This is a joyous day.
A day when the Lord’s name will be glorified.
A day when he will look down

and smile

because his servant has obeyed,
has trusted,
is faithful.

It is like a wedding day
and the groomsmen grieve the leaving of the groom,
of his new life with his bride.
They, as I, have a much smaller picture in mind.
They grieve the loss of a friend,
of the time they had spent together,
of the bond that they are sure will never be the same.
It is true, life will be different, but not worse.
Instead,
they should be joyous on this day!!
Shout from rooftops, clap their hands, laugh, exclaim good tidings,
and let their eyes be filled with tears.
A new adventure awaits their dear friend,
though one they might be a smaller part of.
As with me.
I should not grieve change
or spinning wheels, or transformation or time.
God is at work,
and this is a glorious thing.
To be able to stand by my friend and to love unconditionally,
to be able to encourage and pray,
is a blessing and my duty.
It is my test.

To help my friend face tough times
as she treks peaks I cannot climb,
as she crosses waters I cannot enter.
I can simply stand at the edge and dip my toes in.
Shouting encouraging words into the darkness.
Throwing life vests, and extra rope out after her.
Refilling her supplies when she returns,
bandaging her wounds and refilling her canteen.
This is my job.
This is my joy.
By serving her, I am serving my father.
By supporting her as she seeks his face, I am also seeking him.
In time it will all be revealed.
In time, pain will cease. Loss will end.

But for now, I can only love.
And wait in anticipation for tomorrow.

the end of a beginning

Time flies.

People always say that.


But it is true. Time always passes much quicker in retrospect then in the moment.
I can't believe it.
My freshman year of college is complete.
I don't even feel old enough to be in college, let alone done with the first year.
As I stare at my stark white room with only a suitcase, a pillow, and a few jars of peanut butter that still occupy it, I am reminded of the beginning of the school year. When I first moved in, the room was so empty it was overpowering, it felt like loneliness was clawing at my throat and I could barely breathe. I didn't know anyone, I just sat locked in my room.

And then my roommate came.
And changed my life forever.

This year has been incredible. I have learned so much about people, purpose, and life. I knew who I was before I came, but in college you have to fight to hold onto what is most important. I learned to stand on who I am and who I am going to be. My beliefs were strengthened and I learned, even just a little, how to love and live like Christ.

I couldn't of had a better experience.
I am so thankful for each and every person that God put into my life, that helped transform me, or allowed me to help transform them. It is so good to learn; mentally, physically, and spiritually, along with friends!

I know that friends will come and go
but brothers and sisters in Christ last forever

and eternity is a long time...

This year that became incredibly clear. And I realized just how amazing and powerful that really is.
So anyways it inspired me to write a song, and Aimee and I are going to be preforming it tonight at open mic.
So wish me luck!!!

just a question and a thought

what is it about music that seems right in just about every situation?
what is it about this expression of the soul that is so pleasing to the senses..
why is it so transcendental...
how is it so successful at capturing the human experience? at revealing every spectrum of the captured human emotion
what is it that surrounds your body, grabs hold of your mind, embraces you, protects you, fills you, flows through you, allows you to get lost, be at peace..

To me music is more then just entertainment or a distraction, music is life. it surrounds, it captures it, transforms it, molds it, and mends it. Music is emotion, music is time, space, it is art, hope, love, heartbreak, gravity, and lifeblood. Music is a gift from God
and Coldplay is the story of my life..

rain..

I don't think I could ever live without the rain.

There is something about the way it makes pavement shine
the way it makes street lights glow

The sound of traffic driving through puddles
of footsteps on pavements
of the rain hitting a rooftop
The smell

The smell of rain is enough
fresh air
dirt
grass
and trees
the smell of the outdoors, of a forest, of the rain.

It brings a smile to my face
It fills me with energy
It makes me want to run, to walk, to jump in the rain.
To feel the drops on my face
To taste the coolness
To breathe it in
To lay on my back and just breathe in the rain
until I can't breathe anymore

The rain is enough.

just words...

Words
Written and unseen, spoken and unheard
The flimsy nature of cardboard and paste
How easily things are thrown away
How garbage becomes a home
Cycle of rebirth and resurrection
Recycling words

Stories of kings and queens
In far off lands

Epic battles
Of blood and courage
Heroes and saviors

Becoming one with the sky
A seamless cloud
Floating precipitation
Weightless and dense
Mist and foam

Things easily built
Folded paper airplanes

Fragility of life
Flimsy nature of cardboard and paste
How easily it can crumble

Intensity of thought
Journey of the mind through time and space
Transperancy and opactity
Depth and emotion
Transcending, transformational, and transporting
Effortlessness of dreams
Expanse and resonation of music
Unending lyrics
Repetitive chorus
Respectful and repentive
Harsh and raw
Pure adrenaline
Chanelled passion
Things that stick
Things that stay
Density
Reality
Form and depth
Perception of the unchanged
“My place is placeless
a trace of the traceless.
Neither body or soul.”

Attatchment to the horizon
Endless expansion
Proverbial suburb
Nameless doors
Concrete
Harsh, sharp
Flat, solid
Density
Grey
Heat
Sticky
Confinement
Boundaries
Claustrophobic
Break free

Jump

Into the air
Reach

Fly

Feel the air
Feel the space
Feel the wind

Time and space cease to exist
Nothing exists
But you

And the wind
And the mist
And the air

Breathe
Breathe it in
Fill your lungs with air
Fill it with the sky
And the clouds
And the moon
Breathe in the stars
Breathe out rain
Become one
With the sky
With the air

I am a star

I am the moon
I am the sun
I am the clouds
I am AIR


I am nothing

I transcend nothing
I feel nothing

“My place is placeless

a trace of the traceless.

Neither body or soul.”

Of poetry and lyrics
Nothing exists
In this state of mind
Endless ceasing
Evolution of sensation

Words on a page

Human emotion
To feel
To fall
To jump

To be

The heart
The mind
The soul
To feel a heart beat
To feel Your heart beat
To be alive

To feel
Head spinning
Heart spinning
Blood rushing through your veins
To feel alive
To feel emotion

Senseless
Experience-less

What Sticks

Permanence
Fragility
The delicateness

Of cardboard and paste

Of Paper and Glue
Folded planes
Folded houses
Carefully constructed empires

Water melts
Water dissolves
Fire heats
Fire burns

The beginning of time
And the end of time
Are separated by a single
Dash

My place is placeless
to trace the traceless
Neither body or soul
Nor mind or spirit

Time exists

Life is
Too short to last
What is fragility
What sticks
What is cardboard and glue

Words on a page

My place is placeless
a trace of the traceless.
Neither body or soul.

Change

This is killing me.

Can you believe how much a life can change in a day?

What would you do if your entire world was rocked? if something happened that would change your perspective forever?

I guess that is what life is. Being in constant contact with people, and things, and events, each shaping who you are and how you view this world. The more you experience, the more you live, the further your mind is opened, the more you understand, and empathize, and believe. Every-time you learn something new, have a conversation with a friend, travel to a different place, listen to a new song, discover a new piece of art, your life is changed.

I believe that we are all changed by the world around us, and in effect can change it back.

I am always seeking new ways to change my perspective, of becoming a more globaly conciouss person. I hope to understand the world and understand people. I crave to know people on a deep and intimate level. I want to be best friends with everyone and seek to know their story. My heart yearns for seeing into another person's world, for understanding their perspective, to realize the world is a lot bigger then how I see it. This is why I travel. This is why I love music and art. The ability to see into someone else's experience, to feel their heart, to glimpse into their soul.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

I am still learning.

Truth is my perspective has once again been rocked, has once again taken a new direction. I can now say with full confidence that I was wrong. I think that God placed this ache in my heart for a reason, and two blogs ago it hurt, I didn't know why it was there- I was pessimistic and maybe even angry. But now I understand.

Life is so short.

One person is all it takes. One person CAN change this world.

Through God anything is possible.

I know a lot of people have been blogging about this recently, but how can I not? When all of our perspectives have changed, when something rocks our world, how can we not share? It has impacted us all, and in turn, we all yearn to make it ache back. We want to spread the news, we want to change the world, and we can.

Did you know there are 27 million slaves in this world? That is 27,000,000 human beings that are in bondage today. It is a lot closer to home then you might think. The majority are in the US, go to www.slaverymap.org and see documented human trafficking in your area. Most of them are women and children.

These are people, humans, us...

all who have been created in the image of God...

held against their will, being forced to work for nothing, in unjust conditions, beaten, abused, threatened, tortured, raped, and desecrated.

People should not be treated this way.

Today we live in a violent world filled with disease, terrorism, and war. Why sit by when we can do something about it? This is our planet, it is our job to take care of it, to love those around us, how can we let this happen?

If we are to seek the Lord's face in everything, and bring honor and glory to His name in all we do, then we need to do something. We need to love, and "Justice is what love looks like in public." (Dr. Cornel West) It is our duty to stand up and fight.

The other day I tried to figure out what one person needed in order to change the world. I came up with list:

Faith, love, passion, hard work, dedication, focus, resolve, a calling, motivation, sacrifice, imagination, a broken heart, hope, creativity, diligence, an open mind, perseverance, balance, empathy, flexibility, and patience.

We all have these things... It just might take a while to discover them.

My heart has been broken.

But there is always hope.

"The country is in deep trouble. We've forgotten that a rich life consists fundamentally of serving others, trying to leave the world a little better than you found it. We need the courage to question the powers that be, the courage to be impatient with evil and patient with people, the courage to fight for social justice. In many instances we will be stepping out on nothing, and just hoping to land on something. But that's the struggle. To live is to wrestle with despair, yet never allow despair to have the last word."

— Cornel West

Spread love, spread hope, spread the word. Get educated, find out the facts for yourself! Watch the Call and Response video, www.callandresponse.com. Have your heart broken, uncover passion, make a difference. Support Slave Free products, shop Fair Trade goods, it's a start.

We can combat injustice. It is our right; our duty to love.

One person can change the world.

One person is all it takes.

There is always hope.

God is stronger!

Sin is Broken!

Focus and Perspective

You can't always have the big picture in mind.

People who have the big picture in mind, in some ways become narrowly focused. They have an incredible dedication and resolve. Their minds are fixed and set on a goal. Often they will do whatever it takes, climb whatever ladder, to get there. Such as Wu Zhao, some crazy evil ancient Chinese Emperor, and a woman. She started out as the lowest rung on the ladder, and worked her way up through concubines and imperial courts to become emperor. She knew from the start this was what she wanted and did whatever it took to get there, however cruel or immoral. But what is the point? What do you do when you achieve your goal, reach the pinnacle? If "the big picture" is always your focus, i think it is much more possible to become narrow minded, screening out all else except what will get you there.

Art is different.

In order to appreciate a work of art, or music, you have to focus try and appreciate what the artist or writer or composer is doing. See the whole thing as a piece, and integrating parts, patterns, a series of repetitions, with meaning. Art has soul. It is a piece of the artist. This is why art is hard. You must become vulnerable, spill yourself onto a page, open up your insides and reveal it to the world. Becoming vulnerable is hard, because it is so easy to become hurt. You have to protect your soul and guard your heart, in some ways we are all afraid of being hurt, of being broken, or stepped on, or wounded, no one wants to become vulnerable. This is why art is so special. It connects us all. In some ways art binds our soul to the soul of another. The artist is becoming vulnerable when he creates it, and we become vulnerable when we experience it, when we focus, when we try and interpret, and understand, and appreciate what the artist has done.

Art is about focusing.. but without the big picture no one can get anywhere in life. too much focus on the big picture, leaves us blinded, and narrow minded, tunnel visioned on a goal. i guess it is not really possible for humans to consider or even imagine everything. so when faced with a world full of people, and life, goals, noise, entertainment, work, flashy lights, and honking horns, we tend to focus. we have to focus, or else we get lost in the swirling mass, we get swept away, forgotten. in order for us to make sense of this craziness, to avoid the riptide and undercurrent pulling us away, we have to focus on something and reach. reach and grab ahold of something, that will keep us grounded, something that makes sense. this is how we live life, focusing, and grabbing ahold of anything to keep us grounded. this can be art, music, work, hobbies, anything. some are obviously stronger and roots run deeper then others. some are flimsy and fragile, as soon as one grabs ahold of it, it tears off.. and they find themselves spiraling down, swept away again.. these are things like drugs, smoking, alcohol, anything that is done to "ease the pain" to "forget about the world". these roots will not hold for long.

God knows the big picture and he knows the small details, and he is a root that will not break, under any stress. anyone who grabs firmly onto him will be sure to never be swept away in the big picture and enveloping riptide.

Blogs, Big Questions and Drugs...

What is the point of blogging if no one ever reads it.

I know how I said that blogging can heal the heart and cure the soul, but really what is the point of pouring out your heart, of becoming vulnerable, if no one is there to appreciate it. I guess that is just art in general, why do art if no one sees it? It breaks my heart to say that, and I don't know if its true.

But can one person really change the world?

This has been on my heart all day and it is really bothering me... I just don't know. I am trying to think of people in history who really REALLY changed the world. I don't know if I can think of anyone. It seems like that is just something I would say to BS an english paper in highschool.. such and such changed the world with their invention. ok but really?? I never actually believed that. Did anyone really change the world? Can anyone really affect the world? What about Jesus? ok ok he was man but he was also fully God, so i don't think that really counts.

We are so small. Our lives are so short. The sky is so big. God is so infinite.

Just stare at the clouds, lay on your back, and open your eyes.

If all creation was revealed to us all we could do would be stare in awe.

What is it like to have transcendental thoughts, to feel weightless, to swim through the sky, to feel the wind on my face, seeping into my skin, enveloping my body, floating through time and space.

My friend asked me if i was on drugs, this is the point when you are probably wondering the same thing, don't worry- I am not.

I like to think and to imagine, to analyze and discuss. I hope to change someone's life, to change the world. What would it be like to live in a world without judgement. Not one that promotes extravagant free-will with no repercussions, but one where people could live free from confinements and heavy chains of a judging glance, being stereotyped, written off. A world where everyone can just be who they are, a place that is just filled with empathy and respect, of hope and love. It all sounds a little cliche, but what if it were true.

What would it take for one person to change the world?

there is always HOPE...

sin is broken..

God is Stronger!

there is always hope

in considering Lent..

Lent is never something that I have ever really done before, always thought it was more of a Catholic thing. But alas, this year a lot of people from my church are doing it so I think I will to.

It took me a really long time to decide the best thing to give up.

I thought about coffee.. but I don't really even like coffee

or tv.. but i don't really watch tv anyways

then i thought about giving up desserts or chocolate or cookies from the dining center

but that seemed too easy..

then I thought about giving up superfluous internet use, and only using it for homework and email... way too hard

maybe I would just give up facebook stalking or scoping in general....

but none of these choices really seemed right.

Then my dear friend made a suggestion that she had found on someone else's facebook page :)

To only drink water.

Give up all other beverages for 40 days.

This I can do, but it won't be easy, but I think that is the point. I generally don't drink very much besides chocolate soy-milk with EVERY meal, occasionally juice, and hot chocolate, tea, and coffee for those long architecture nights.

But I know when those nights come I will just have to rely on Jesus to give me the strength and energy to finnish them, instead of relying on caffeine.

All very doable.

And so thus my Lent journey begins...

Wendsdays

Another brilliant discovery.

Doing homework in the dining center.

This solves many problems.

It is not claustrophobic and dark like my dorm room.

Has lots of space for me to sprawl out all my books and papers and things.

Close proximity to food, and snacks, and coffee.

AND is full of lots of people!!!!

so i don't get lonely and can observe...

.... and blog

hmm.. I will keep you posted :D

Superbowl Sunday

Blogging is good for the mind, and the heart.

It is therapy for the soul.

Goldfish and cherry soda, cheese pizza, chocolate soymilk and waffles: delicious and good for the stomach, maybe not the best for the body or the mind.

Inevitable Short-Comings and 4 o'clock slumbers

Sometimes I feel like I am fighting the inevitable and chasing the unobtainable.

Where to begin.

Maybe how I am trying to ignore the tiny voice in my head that is becoming more and more tangible every second. Instead I try to focus on the pain. The tiny spot on my elbow that needs stretching, the incredible strain in my neck from long hours awake, the paper-cut on my index finger.. the ache in my heart. I just try to block it out or sleep. I just woke up. I feel dense and weighted down, like I am trying to balance the weight of the world on my shoulders.

It is dark now- but I can see the stars.

It was a deep sleep. A strange deep deep sleep. Like I had fallen into a pool of black velvet that enveloped me, but it was comforting, like someone had wrapped their arms around me, and was just holding me, sitting there for hours, not wanting to be anywhere else but at my side, holding me, and whispering, "it's going to be ok" over and over. I was warm.

I didn't move once, I woke up in the exact same position I had fallen asleep in.

It's 8 pm now, I fell asleep at 4. No one is here now, no one was here when I fell asleep.

I woke up twice when I was sleeping. Not from the noise of my neighbors chatting through the walls, or sound of laughter from down the hallway, the giggles and whispers of my roommate coming and going, or the steady flicker of light in our bedroom. No. It was my heart. It was beating so fast it felt like it had dislodged its self from my body and was only hanging on by a string. If it kept going at this pace it would probably fly off and leave my body. Then I would be left without a heart, without a soul. Unable to love, to feel pain, to experience joy.. and that would be a sad day indeed.

I tried to slow down my breathing, and calm myself down. Then I fell back into the deep blackness.

All I could think about was one thing. One person.

I just want to know someone who wants me. Who wants to spend every second by my side. Who will talk for hours or just be willing to sit there in silence. Someone who wants to just hold me close and whisper "i love u." Someone who will want to go on walks or adventures or do anything just to spend time with me. I want someone who will care deeply about me- not just my needs but about me, my self, my heart. I want someone who will run into a burning building to save me, who will step in front of a gun, or dive into icy waters, someone who will run and run saying, "but she is mine, i have to save her!"

Up until a few seconds ago, I had a very clear idea of who this person was. In fact, I could tell you the year he was born, the high school he graduated from, his favorite bands, his major, what his hobbies are, and what he did last summer. I could also tell you the wedding I have planned and the day we are getting married.

But he doesn't know me. We have never met.

Today was such a beautiful day. I wish you could have seen it. There is no way that I could possibly hope to describe its profound beauty, because to do so would be to under-sell it. To reveal only a small corner of boxed in perspective, when it is something truely greater then I could ever hope to capture. On any given day the sky here occupies 2/3 of the view. And today this 2/3 was blue; bright, vibrant, stark blue. The sun was shining and not a cloud could be seen in the sky. I rose early, and there is something about those early morning hours that has a special power, a kind of peace that transends on all who are up to experience it. The ground was moist, and the pavement slick. The sun reflected off the blacktop and penetrated all the shadows. It is Feburary, but it was not too cold. There was a breeze. It was just cold enough to remind you that you are alive, it was invigorating and astounding. Today my heart was filled with joy. THe only thing I could think of was that it was too perfect of a day to experience alone. I wished there was someone by my side who would just walk with me, someone who would just sit in grass and stare at the incredible beauty surrounding us.

Somewhere between the thick dark folds of velvet, my aching heart, the tinge in my elbow, and paragraph four, I realized there was somebody, there is somebody.

The other day my dad told me something true, and profound in a way, because I didn't want to hear it. He said, "You know, Jesus wants to be your friend, Jesus needs to be your best friend."

I put too much faith in humanity. I am always relying on people and setting my standards too high. But people always fail. They always fall short. But Jesus doesn't.

And he loves us. He loves me, so so very much. This is something that is so hard to grasp. It is too big, He is too great. But He is the one I need, He is the one I will always need. He wants to spend every second by my side, He wants to walk with me, and talk with me, and hold me close. He wants to whisper "i love you." He loves me so much, He is the one who cares deeply about me. He cares about my aching heart.

I wanted someone who would run into a burning building to save my life, someone who would give it all to save me. But Jesus has already done this. He loves me so, he was willing to die for me, to save my life. And he already has. On that cross he was shouting, "but she is mine, i have to save her!"

Love is a beautiful thing. Sometimes it feels so tangible. To be loved is to be joyful, and today there was nothing that could stop me from seeing the love of God and the beauty of His creation. I was filled with so much joy, that I could feel it seeping out.

The tiny voice in my head that I was trying to ignore was saying, "stop running.. Stop hiding, stop trying to put your faith in humanity, and let Jesus be your best friend! He loves you so much."

I know.

Jesus, thank you so much for this incredible joy you have given me. Thank you that you love me more then I could ever know. Thank you for taking care of me every day, and that in the ultimate act of love you gave it all to save my life. Please be my best friend. Teach me to follow you every day, to walk by your side, to seek your face. Please help me love, like you have loved me. Teach me to be like you. Teach me to be your friend. I love you. Language is too limited to describe you or capture your love. Thank you for life.